Sex: Forget Spontaneity, Schedule Instead
“Used with care, scheduling sex helps couples hold both security and adventure, so intimacy does not slip to the bottom of the list.”
By Lynne Trenery, Couples Therapist
When spontaneity stalls
Sex isn’t going to appear from nowhere when you’ve emptied the washing machine, paid the council tax and tried to get your kids back to sleep for the third time in six hours. Understandably, you are in a constant state of exhaustion.
Even without day-to-day pressures, after a while, in a long-term relationship, sex rarely happens spontaneously. This can be partly out of tiredness and routine. But we also know that desire in long-term relationships involves two needs that push against each other. On the one hand, we need security, familiarity and predictability. But we also need adventure, unpredictability and surprise.
The problem is that we are asking all of this from one person.
Deliberate effort keeps passion alive
Bringing back passion into a relationship takes a deliberate effort. Don’t wait for it because it won’t come to you by itself.
In my eight years working as a couples’ therapist I have become more and more an advocate of couples scheduling sex. It is particularly useful when there are young children around, but it can work just as well for any couple at any stage in their relationship. Choosing a window that you both protect can lower pressure day to day and create a shared expectation that intimacy matters.
When you schedule sex, you are not forcing it; you are removing obstacles so desire has room to grow.
Satisfaction and wellbeing
There has been a lot of solid research in this area with many of the best studies emerging from Norway, a country which consciously endeavours to explore diverse markers of wellbeing within its population. A couples’ satisfaction with their physical relationship is a key indicator of how contented their life is.
This means couples have to deliberately create opportunities and space to be with each other in a sexual, or at least a physical, way. That might be as simple as agreeing a quiet evening without phones, an unrushed morning, or time set aside just for touch and closeness without any performance goal. Think of it as planned intimacy in support of the relationship, not a to-do list item.
“Love grows here; desire needs air”
It may feel awkward at first. As explained by Esther Perel, the qualities of a relationship that grow love – mutuality, protection, safety, predictability, responsibility for the other – are the very things that will smother desire.
The secret to desire lies in being able to stay connected with the childlike part of ourselves that’s playful, humorous, selfish, while also being able to be generous, considerate and respectful. Giving desire some air means agreeing boundaries and then allowing some novelty within them.
Make it playful, not pressured
Scheduling sex can be done in a playful way. It can even elongate the intimacy between a couple as there is this secret agreement between the two of you which involves anticipation and alignment. You are saying to one another this is important to our relationship. I am taking care of it, prioritising it. This is important for us and for me.
Light planning helps: decide who sets the scene, keep it simple, and allow for a no-pressure opt-out if one of you is unwell or overwhelmed. The plan is there to support connection, not to create obligation. Many couples find this kind of relationship therapy mindset helpful: consent, curiosity and small experiments over grand gestures.
Getting started
Desire can happen when you can be completely available to, and connected with, yourself while you are with your partner. Bringing back passion into a relationship takes a deliberate effort. It’s important not to stand still and wait for it because it won’t happen by itself.
It is worth the effort and should never be looked upon as a chore.
So when one of you becomes aware sex hasn’t featured in your life for what feels too long, have a conversation about it, maybe consider couples therapy or couples’ counselling – or get your diaries out. Start small, review how it felt, and keep talking about what works for both of you. Over time, scheduling sex can become a simple ritual that protects closeness in busy lives.
✍️ Written by Lynne Trenery
Lynne is an Oxford based couples’ counsellor and individual therapist. As well as running her own private counselling practice, she trained and worked for Relate (relationship counselling) for eight years. She is a member of the BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) and works with clients face to face and on-line.
Lynne recently took the decision to expand her career and qualify as a wedding celebrant. The two actually go together pretty well.
View Lynne’s therapist profile
